The moment I looked out my window on the plane and saw the city of Auckland my heart felt a deep sense of gratitude. Not just because going to New Zealand had been a goal of mine for so long, but because in my gut, I could feel that I would find a sense of comfort there that I never found in Japan. And my gut was right. Specifically, in regards to food, New Zealand is probably the greatest country in the world for the gluten intolerant. I made the decision that my unexpected stay in Auckland for a week as an alternative to Bali would be about eating for me. I lost 9 pounds in Japan, which for a girl that’s 5’2″ is kind of a big deal, especially in the span of 3 weeks. So the first thing I did was to go to a Whole Foods-esque grocery store and stock up on meals and treats. It took me another week to realize that even doing that wasn’t totally necessary since there are gluten free options LITERALLY everywhere in all of New Zealand, even the little towns where there are two restaurants. It is one of my favorite things about this country, second only to the tremendous and incomparable beauty of the nature.

My first day being a tourist I went to the Te Henga Walkway and Bethell’s Beach which I was attracted to for it’s black beaches. On this day, I was feeling a lot of nervousness. I just had so much fear, and although some of it was for reasons, a lot of it I realized was just fear that is stored in my body, as if it is passed down from generation to generation in my family. I can tell myself there is nothing to be afraid of, but it comes down to a lack of faith in the universe to provide for me, or a belief that the world is not a safe place. The hike was absolutely isolated. Within the first 50 feet I came across to wild? or at least free horses. I was scared of them because they started following me. The first one came so close to me that I put my hand out to his nose, allowed him to sniff me and then walked back, The other horse, also followed me and I ended up climbing up a little hill and behind a bush so he would stop. I just didn’t know what they wanted. But horses are harmless right? In my mind I could tell myself that but still couldn’t calm my brain down. They eventually walked past me and I decided to carry on. I felt calm because I saw two ladies leaving the hike. It was beautiful and literally some of the settings looked identical to my own dreams. The photo of the trees surrounding the path was the setting of a vision I had about meeting my love half way through a forest that he didn’t even know I was walking through. I wrote a poem about it and it was amazing to visit my own dreams that day.  It was cold, very windy and it started to rain a little so I made it about 3/4 of a mile before turning back. Again with that fucking fear. There is something scary about going into nature, knowing that you are the only person there and there’s no way to ask anyone if you become unsure of where you are. And as an Angeleno, I’m inexperienced with rain. So I went back and headed for the beach.

 

At the beach also, no one was there. I mean, as I entered I saw two people on horses and they crossed this stream that went into the ocean and went to a part of the beach I didn’t really have access to. I don’t really remember what broke me down, but after I felt satisfied with the photos I had taken, I sat on a rock, cried and prayed to God. I don’t know what it is about being at the beach that always prompts me to pray, but the act of doing it gave me a great sense of calm. Perhaps it was just clarifying what I want, understanding that other people want something different and letting go of the illusion that it’s within my control to decide everything that happens to me. I cried, and prayed and accepted. And then I sang a song and went home.